Simple Marriage #6 - Conflict and Tomatoes
It’s August and my garden is producing it’s harvest! In the last few months, I’ve watched spring-frozen dirt receive the gift of seeds, envelop them in darkness, and nurture germination. I’ve watched tiny shoots reach their hands toward the sun in praise, and then a verdant explosion, fertile with possibility. Then, lots of fruit and veggies. My plants have endured a late freeze in April, lots of heat in July, invasive weeds throughout the growing season, and my nemesis, the Japanese Beetle. I watched my garden change and grow over time AND I’ve watched it establish itself in spite of (or is it because of?) the adversity it had to face.
Isn’t marriage the same way? “People grow in relationships by encountering a different mind than their own...In relationships, conflict {and differences} are the way that we grow, and we need to welcome conflict as a way of learning how to love each other better and how to understand this person with a very different mind than our own.” (John Gottman) When we understand that, we, like the garden, grow - both individually and within marriage.
Now, let’s be honest here, I am a total conflict avoider. Nope...I’ll rephrase that, left to myself, I would avoid any discomfort at all...BUT I also deeply value growth, so in our marriage I’m learning to lean into conflict and the differences between us, so that we continue to grow and flourish. So how do we do that?
Just like my garden that needs the rituals of watering, fertilizing and weeding, we are learning to establish rituals of talking about our differences. For us, it might look like, at the end of the day, circling back around to a tense moment or comment and saying, “help me understand what happened in your thinking in that situation.” It looks like listening with curiosity instead of defensiveness. It also means, after all these years, we are looking through events in our upbringings that affected us, and talking about them for the sake of continuing to grow and change.
My garden is more than just some good dirt and seeds. It’s producing a harvest because those seeds got worked into the dirt; the dirt was watered; the weeds were spotted and pulled; fertilizer was administered, and the sun decided to shine. And so the garden grows. In the same way, “relationships {marriage} can be more than just two individuals coming together - they can be stories of transformation, contribution, and meaning in the world.” (John Gottman)
Growth Questions: (found in Eight Dates by John Gottman)
How do you feel you’ve grown the most? In what areas?
How was conflict handled in your family growing up?
How do you feel about anger? How was it expressed in your family growing up?
If there is an issue to talk about:
What is the story of how this issue is important to you?
Is there a story behind this issue related to your own personal history or your family growing up?
Is there a deeper purpose or goal for you in your position on this issue?
