Simple Marriage #7 - Curiosity Matters
One of the best pieces of advice I ever received going into marriage was, “never stop being a learner of your spouse.” It was a wise invitation to be curious about the inner world of my husband and being brave enough to share my own inner world of thoughts, dreams, emotions, etc. We have not always done this well; in certain moments, we’ve fumbled, but in the big trajectory of our marriage, we’ve come back to this learning posture and curiosity over and over again.
In the book Eight Dates, the authors say it like this, “ Make dedicated, non-negotiable time for each other a priority, and never stop being curious about your partner. Don’t assume you know who they are today, just because you went to bed with them the night before. In short, never stop asking questions. But ask the right kind of questions.”
Now, I am married to an AMAZING question asker, but sometimes I feel like my brain falls short of coming up with good ones. I want to ask a good question, but can’t always form it. Does anyone else feel this way? Over the years, I’ve learned there are 4 skills (OK, maybe 5) that we can practice as we engage in the art of conversation in our marriages:
Put into words what you are feeling and why you have those feelings. If you grew up in a house that never talked about feelings, and need help even identifying them, there is this great resource here.
Ask your spouse open ended questions. Questions like, What else are you feeling? What are your needs? Are there parts of yourself that are in conflict? How does this affect your identity, your idea of yourself? More questions can be found here.
Make exploratory (curious) statements to help your spouse open up. Things like, Tell me the story about this situation. We have lots of time to talk; take all the time you need. Help me understand your feelings a little better here..say more. Tell me what you’re concerned about.
Express empathy and understanding. Want some empathetic statements? You’re making total sense. I’m on your side. You’re in a lot of pain here. I can feel it. That would make me sad (or some other emotion) too. That would make me insecure.
And the 5th skill? Listening, listening, listening.
(Resource: Eight Dates by John Gottman)
Even as I write the above list, I realize how much I’ve had to grow in these skills over the years, and still how much I have to learn. But, I’m willing and want to take to heart those words of advice from over 20 years ago. “Never stop being a learner of your spouse.”
Fun Starter:
I know I just wrote about words, questions and listening, but if you’re looking for a bit of laughter together, may I suggest this video about the three little pigs? It will at least make you laugh at our word usage! Enjoy!!
